Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

,letting go....The past few years has seen me doing a lot of this.
I seem to have had to let go of a lot of things in my life.I have let go the dream of being forever married to the person I met and fell in love with and thought I would live happy ever after with.I have let go of the idea that he would want to be with me and would fight to keep my love.
I have had to let go of my dream of being a family unit,my son now spends every other weekend with me and my daughter has moved out and is independent.
I have let go of my dream to be able to support myself, and work or get paid for what i do.
I have let go of the idea of being fit and able to walk as far and do what I want to do.
All of these things I have let go in order to move on.Life has to get better or god must have a different plan for me..but letting go hurts and is hard and I am still doing it every day that i live.I have to do this in order not to be bitter and angry and depressed.

Day 29, Wednesday: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3oHUdhb_hI
always and forever by heatwave..this is the song I danced to with my husband on my wedding day.The words really meant something to me. I always want to cry when I hear it now.
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4NZYHxgpog
donny osmond The twelve of never.... this is the song that made me fall for donny osmond. I still love him all these  years later. lovely words and he is gorgeous.I guess I am still looking for my man to love me until the twelve of never.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdu8VOWk3pg
this reminds me of myself when I was about 16.I was into ska and punk and new wave and loved this track.The words mean a lot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Lra_5PDR00
genesis..Follow you follow me.    I love this song its one of my favourites...reminds me of being in love and the music is just pure joy to hear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvBAu0PJ7A8
Mike Oldfield .....Tubular bells....could listen to this for hours. brings back many memories.

Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures

a doctor

me

i love my nails painted

my doctors i am making

a cover for my sons bed

a revamped poufee

cold february

a scarf

my lovely daughter.

Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers
dear readers
do I have any?is there anyone following my blog?
I am enjoying the blog every day in May challenge are you enjoying reading about it.
I consider myself a  tolerant person but today has been just hard.
My son has gone to spend a week on holiday with his dad and his dads woman friend. that he lives with.
Yes thats right.. I had to wave goodbye to my lovely boy knowing he would be spending the week with the bitch with the loose knickers, the steal-er of other women s husbands and the woman who my son hates because she stole his dad away from him(his words) and he hates her.
Now it has been a few years since we divorced but it still hurts to see him with someone else, sat in the car where I should be sat and spending time with my little fella.
I am not too proud to say I waved him off then went inside and cried, and I mean howled until I felt sick to my stomach.It doesn't seem to get any easier, and knowing alex would rather spend time with me just plain hurts.
But I have to remind myself we split for a reason, and how awful life was when he was dividing his time between the two of us.
poor son is caught in the middle trying to please both of us, and me wondering just how is it I can be replaced so easily.It didnt help when ex hubby rang and he has been talking to him about me and taken something completely out the context it was said.
 I felt like saying look I hate you as you ruined my life so don't try to talk to me.
Sigh and now I am worrying that son will be stressing out about everything he says.
Its too much pressure to put on a boy, specially one with special needs.
His aspergers side means he takes everything literally so that is a joy to live with (not).
Anyway my son has his friend to keep him company and i am missing him.a lot.
Mind you I managed to clean the house today, cut the grass and start on more of the  bobble blanket,,the repetitive stitch is the only thing to keep me sane and not scream with how awful I am feeling right now yet trying to present a normal front to the world.
Anyway a loaf of granary bread is cooking in the bread maker and tomorrow I shall be off to spend some time with my sister in the hope that if I  keep busy I shan't constantly worry what is going on and harp back to thinking that my whole life has been stolen by that cow, she has my hubby, my kids and i have nothing left of my old life.
Got to look forward readers, I really must and no looking back. I have to take today as just a bad day and draw a line under it, cos otherwise I will hit another downward spiral of emotions and then I shall struggle to get out of it.I have my dear cat to keep my company and so it has to be goodnight,

more of blog every day in may..

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits
My temper.I am not an angry person but if you upset me you will feel the whole force of my temper and its not nice..ever.
Cutting people off...if someone upsets me then that is it, I vey rarely give them a second chance to prove me wrong about them,so one of my worse traits is my lack of forgiveness.
Unorganized. I am totally unorganized, and am often late or forget things, or have a house ful of chaos.
Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
Someone once said I had a lot of patience with my kids, especially my son.I dont think I do I just think I am able to hold in my lack of patience and am fairly tolerable.The other thing was a full onslaught on me  totally attacking me for not working and my political  beliefs.Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.I always read about zen and zen habits.Makes a lot of sense to me.

2 days posts at once..and at last some crochet.

Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off

)I really hate what our country is like right now.I live in Essex,UK and there is lots of people with money.in Essex..(have you ever seen The Only Way is Essex?)But what saddens me is  the big divide between rich and poor(probably cos i am one of the poorer ones).And how kids and society concentrate so much on a persons worth based on what job they do.The way the latest gadget ,car,fashion is so important.It really isn't . Kids are being brought up to expect to have certain things and if they don't have them then they are bullied.If you aren't clever or in a high powered job you aren't pitied, you are looked down on and mocked.Bankers and politicians are living in enormously big houses with flashy cars and with stupidly high salaries ,while benefits are cut to the disabled, the poor and the needy.Some people even those that are on minimum wages are having to go to charities for food things are so tight. Disabled people are being given a rough deal now.And as for single mothers well instead of getting benefits taken away get the money from the fathers of the children...It just sickens me,I am afraid of how ruthless the world will be when my son is my age. 

Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you

School wont teach you who to trust and who not.How having self awareness and making the right choices stops you from falling into a relationship for the sake of not being alone,is so much better for you.

How you will never need  algebra and pi  ever.To be content in your own company.And how to socialize .

When to stop drinking!

Smoking isnt big or mature .

How to keep fit without playing hockey or rounders.

Your family and friends are the most important things ever in your life..a job is a job and where you live isn't important.

well here is my promised crochet I have done in may so far...

my doctor who doll..the first doctor..crocheted..just have to embroider his trousers

a close up of his face.

see how tall he is?

my owl cushion I was given as a present and a granny square to cover my coffee table

some dishclothes..I actually found these relxing and easy to make and they are so useful.

playing catch up..oops...

Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)
 a typical day goes like this.
7.30 get up and nag alex to get up.
7.45 turn computer on and email my friend debbie in Australia and check my emails and facebook
8.30 alex goes to school so then i am free to shower in peace and have breakfast.I take my tablets.cat comes in relieved cos alex isnt around to pick him up.
9.30 until 10.30 watch tv and also do some knitting or crochet.have my first big cup of coffee to wake me up.I take my insulin.
11.00 I go  for a walk and get a newspaper.
12.00 do any washing and ironing and housework.
1pm have lunch, read my newspaper
2pm do any paperwork that is outstanding or go out somewhere like shopping,go for a walk..
3pm start back crocheting. alex is due home at 3.20pm so I have to meet him off the bus.
4,5,6pm do crochet, or sewing and maybe watch the chase..my fav quiz show.
6.30 cook tea, and 7pm eat it.
go to alexs clubs or
8pm watch tv or bathe alex
9pm relax its almost alexs bedtime.
10pm turn on computer and check mail and facebook,research new ideas
11pm bedtime.. unless its a weekend in which case I dont go to bed until 1am.

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
where to start on this one cos I consider I have quite a difficult life in many ways.I will tell you that I would like to work or set up my own business selling the things I create or do.So I am slowly building up stock and looking into that, as well as considering volunteering in the hope that it will lead to me being eventually fit enough to get employment that will pay for my way in life.


Day 17, Friday: A favorite photo of yourself and why

This is a photo of me and my friend Sam, who lives in Northampton.It was taken at a day trip to a place with a loch and canal boats and I remember it as a very pleasant day,with lots of sunshine, it was taken a few years ago, not long after I had separated from my ex.I was still very raw from the split up, and it shows that despite emotional pain I still am happier than when I was going through the years of torment when he had another woman.For tow cuddly women we dont look bad, and thats me with dark hair unlike the ash blonde I am now.
Day 18, Saturday: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
I remember when my best friend Denise fell off my swing in my back garden.She lost her memory and when we got to her house she couldnt recognise things.She eventually got it back but it was a scary thing.I have find memories of things we used to do together... She and I used to push our dolls and prams up and down our road, and go roller skating up and down, those big bulky metal skates, and play ball up against the side of the wall, all mix up home made perfume using rose petals and water.We loved our barbie dolls, and both had to be wearing the top of fashin.Denise died tragically at age 24 when she  caught her bed alight smoking in bed.We had been best friends since the age of 8.Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them
,,http://ragininaz.blogspot.co.uk,
This is my friend Helenas blog, we met on line about ten years ago.She lives in Arizona and is mum to 3 gorgeous girls and expecting baby number 2.This blog is about her day to day life and her family, and her wonderful hubby who was in afghanistan.

http://www.lemondedesucrette.com/ This is mostly  a crochet blog and I love the colours and ideas she has .

#,http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk/
this is about London and the places around it.Diamond geezer show it all, he is very clever at showing the different places there are and there is always lots of photos.
,http://www.attic24.typepad.com/http
This is lucy and her crochet.Like I say I love colourful blogs and this one is lovely and she has good ideas and tutorials.I also belong to her group on Ravelry(we love lucy).It also shows where Attic 24 is and the area around it.
://www.accordingtomatt.blogspot.co.uk/
This is a nice blog from a gay guy called Matt.He is into knitting and crochet and I love his ideas and colours, he always shares photos and his adventures.
Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.
I am struggling with the thought of moving.I know I have to as I shan't get housing benefit for a 3 bed house.But the very thought of uprooting myself and starting yet again with less money and worries about finances is making me feel very sad, but I know it makes sense, its also the practicalities that get me, the thought of boxing up and going looking at new properties, being vetted and the worry I might not find another place scares the hell out of me.It was hard enough to find thisplace.
Day 21, Tuesday: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives
http://creativemummy.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/isnt-life-fun.html?updated-min=2009-01-01T00:00:00Z&updated-max=2010-01-01T00:00:00Z&max-results=5
A reminder..life can be fun too!

http://creativemummy.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/isnt-life-fun.html?updated-min=2009-01-01T00:00:00Z&updated-max=2010-01-01T00:00:00Z&max-results=5
About when I held a charity day and the blanket squares knitted by me and my friends.
http://creativemummy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/on-hook-today.html?updated-min=2013-01-01T00:00:00Z&updated-max=2014-01-01T00:00:00Z&max-results=14
about a day in the cold and the things I have made..