Thursday, 30 May 2013

Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

,letting go....The past few years has seen me doing a lot of this.
I seem to have had to let go of a lot of things in my life.I have let go the dream of being forever married to the person I met and fell in love with and thought I would live happy ever after with.I have let go of the idea that he would want to be with me and would fight to keep my love.
I have had to let go of my dream of being a family unit,my son now spends every other weekend with me and my daughter has moved out and is independent.
I have let go of my dream to be able to support myself, and work or get paid for what i do.
I have let go of the idea of being fit and able to walk as far and do what I want to do.
All of these things I have let go in order to move on.Life has to get better or god must have a different plan for me..but letting go hurts and is hard and I am still doing it every day that i live.I have to do this in order not to be bitter and angry and depressed.

Day 29, Wednesday: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
always and forever by heatwave..this is the song I danced to with my husband on my wedding day.The words really meant something to me. I always want to cry when I hear it now.
donny osmond The twelve of never.... this is the song that made me fall for donny osmond. I still love him all these  years later. lovely words and he is gorgeous.I guess I am still looking for my man to love me until the twelve of never.
this reminds me of myself when I was about 16.I was into ska and punk and new wave and loved this track.The words mean a lot.
genesis..Follow you follow me.    I love this song its one of my favourites...reminds me of being in love and the music is just pure joy to hear.
Mike Oldfield .....Tubular bells....could listen to this for hours. brings back many memories.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures

a doctor


i love my nails painted

my doctors i am making

a cover for my sons bed

a revamped poufee

cold february

a scarf
my lovely daughter.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers
dear readers
do I have any?is there anyone following my blog?
I am enjoying the blog every day in May challenge are you enjoying reading about it.
I consider myself a  tolerant person but today has been just hard.
My son has gone to spend a week on holiday with his dad and his dads woman friend. that he lives with.
Yes thats right.. I had to wave goodbye to my lovely boy knowing he would be spending the week with the bitch with the loose knickers, the steal-er of other women s husbands and the woman who my son hates because she stole his dad away from him(his words) and he hates her.
Now it has been a few years since we divorced but it still hurts to see him with someone else, sat in the car where I should be sat and spending time with my little fella.
I am not too proud to say I waved him off then went inside and cried, and I mean howled until I felt sick to my stomach.It doesn't seem to get any easier, and knowing alex would rather spend time with me just plain hurts.
But I have to remind myself we split for a reason, and how awful life was when he was dividing his time between the two of us.
poor son is caught in the middle trying to please both of us, and me wondering just how is it I can be replaced so easily.It didnt help when ex hubby rang and he has been talking to him about me and taken something completely out the context it was said.
 I felt like saying look I hate you as you ruined my life so don't try to talk to me.
Sigh and now I am worrying that son will be stressing out about everything he says.
Its too much pressure to put on a boy, specially one with special needs.
His aspergers side means he takes everything literally so that is a joy to live with (not).
Anyway my son has his friend to keep him company and i am missing him.a lot.
Mind you I managed to clean the house today, cut the grass and start on more of the  bobble blanket,,the repetitive stitch is the only thing to keep me sane and not scream with how awful I am feeling right now yet trying to present a normal front to the world.
Anyway a loaf of granary bread is cooking in the bread maker and tomorrow I shall be off to spend some time with my sister in the hope that if I  keep busy I shan't constantly worry what is going on and harp back to thinking that my whole life has been stolen by that cow, she has my hubby, my kids and i have nothing left of my old life.
Got to look forward readers, I really must and no looking back. I have to take today as just a bad day and draw a line under it, cos otherwise I will hit another downward spiral of emotions and then I shall struggle to get out of it.I have my dear cat to keep my company and so it has to be goodnight,

Sunday, 26 May 2013

more of blog every day in may..

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits
My temper.I am not an angry person but if you upset me you will feel the whole force of my temper and its not nice..ever.
Cutting people off...if someone upsets me then that is it, I vey rarely give them a second chance to prove me wrong about them,so one of my worse traits is my lack of forgiveness.
Unorganized. I am totally unorganized, and am often late or forget things, or have a house ful of chaos.
Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
Someone once said I had a lot of patience with my kids, especially my son.I dont think I do I just think I am able to hold in my lack of patience and am fairly tolerable.The other thing was a full onslaught on me  totally attacking me for not working and my political  beliefs.Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.I always read about zen and zen habits.Makes a lot of sense to me.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

2 days posts at once..and at last some crochet.

Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off
)I really hate what our country is like right now.I live in Essex,UK and there is lots of people with Essex..(have you ever seen The Only Way is Essex?)But what saddens me is  the big divide between rich and poor(probably cos i am one of the poorer ones).And how kids and society concentrate so much on a persons worth based on what job they do.The way the latest gadget ,car,fashion is so important.It really isn't . Kids are being brought up to expect to have certain things and if they don't have them then they are bullied.If you aren't clever or in a high powered job you aren't pitied, you are looked down on and mocked.Bankers and politicians are living in enormously big houses with flashy cars and with stupidly high salaries ,while benefits are cut to the disabled, the poor and the needy.Some people even those that are on minimum wages are having to go to charities for food things are so tight. Disabled people are being given a rough deal now.And as for single mothers well instead of getting benefits taken away get the money from the fathers of the children...It just sickens me,I am afraid of how ruthless the world will be when my son is my age. 
Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you
School wont teach you who to trust and who not.How having self awareness and making the right choices stops you from falling into a relationship for the sake of not being alone,is so much better for you.
How you will never need  algebra and pi  ever.To be content in your own company.And how to socialize .
When to stop drinking!
Smoking isnt big or mature .
How to keep fit without playing hockey or rounders.
Your family and friends are the most important things ever in your life..a job is a job and where you live isn't important.
well here is my promised crochet I have done in may so far...
my doctor who doll..the first doctor..crocheted..just have to embroider his trousers

a close up of his face.

see how tall he is?

my owl cushion I was given as a present and a granny square to cover my coffee table

some dishclothes..I actually found these relxing and easy to make and they are so useful.

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

playing catch up..oops...

Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)
 a typical day goes like this.
7.30 get up and nag alex to get up.
7.45 turn computer on and email my friend debbie in Australia and check my emails and facebook
8.30 alex goes to school so then i am free to shower in peace and have breakfast.I take my comes in relieved cos alex isnt around to pick him up.
9.30 until 10.30 watch tv and also do some knitting or crochet.have my first big cup of coffee to wake me up.I take my insulin.
11.00 I go  for a walk and get a newspaper.
12.00 do any washing and ironing and housework.
1pm have lunch, read my newspaper
2pm do any paperwork that is outstanding or go out somewhere like shopping,go for a walk..
3pm start back crocheting. alex is due home at 3.20pm so I have to meet him off the bus.
4,5,6pm do crochet, or sewing and maybe watch the fav quiz show.
6.30 cook tea, and 7pm eat it.
go to alexs clubs or
8pm watch tv or bathe alex
9pm relax its almost alexs bedtime.
10pm turn on computer and check mail and facebook,research new ideas
11pm bedtime.. unless its a weekend in which case I dont go to bed until 1am.

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
where to start on this one cos I consider I have quite a difficult life in many ways.I will tell you that I would like to work or set up my own business selling the things I create or do.So I am slowly building up stock and looking into that, as well as considering volunteering in the hope that it will lead to me being eventually fit enough to get employment that will pay for my way in life.

Day 17, Friday: A favorite photo of yourself and why
This is a photo of me and my friend Sam, who lives in Northampton.It was taken at a day trip to a place with a loch and canal boats and I remember it as a very pleasant day,with lots of sunshine, it was taken a few years ago, not long after I had separated from my ex.I was still very raw from the split up, and it shows that despite emotional pain I still am happier than when I was going through the years of torment when he had another woman.For tow cuddly women we dont look bad, and thats me with dark hair unlike the ash blonde I am now.
Day 18, Saturday: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
I remember when my best friend Denise fell off my swing in my back garden.She lost her memory and when we got to her house she couldnt recognise things.She eventually got it back but it was a scary thing.I have find memories of things we used to do together... She and I used to push our dolls and prams up and down our road, and go roller skating up and down, those big bulky metal skates, and play ball up against the side of the wall, all mix up home made perfume using rose petals and water.We loved our barbie dolls, and both had to be wearing the top of fashin.Denise died tragically at age 24 when she  caught her bed alight smoking in bed.We had been best friends since the age of 8.Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them
This is my friend Helenas blog, we met on line about ten years ago.She lives in Arizona and is mum to 3 gorgeous girls and expecting baby number 2.This blog is about her day to day life and her family, and her wonderful hubby who was in afghanistan. This is mostly  a crochet blog and I love the colours and ideas she has .

this is about London and the places around it.Diamond geezer show it all, he is very clever at showing the different places there are and there is always lots of photos.
This is lucy and her crochet.Like I say I love colourful blogs and this one is lovely and she has good ideas and tutorials.I also belong to her group on Ravelry(we love lucy).It also shows where Attic 24 is and the area around it.
This is a nice blog from a gay guy called Matt.He is into knitting and crochet and I love his ideas and colours, he always shares photos and his adventures.
Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.
I am struggling with the thought of moving.I know I have to as I shan't get housing benefit for a 3 bed house.But the very thought of uprooting myself and starting yet again with less money and worries about finances is making me feel very sad, but I know it makes sense, its also the practicalities that get me, the thought of boxing up and going looking at new properties, being vetted and the worry I might not find another place scares the hell out of me.It was hard enough to find thisplace.
Day 21, Tuesday: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives
A can be fun too!
About when I held a charity day and the blanket squares knitted by me and my friends.
about a day in the cold and the things I have made..

Monday, 13 May 2013

Day 14, Tuesday: Ten things that make you really happy

happiness is....
1.My kids
2.My cat
3.My family
4.My friends
5. Music played really loud..usually rock.
7.creating ..crochet knitting,or stitching of any kind
9.feeling loved
10.the seaside

Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.

I have to say sorry to all the people I upset with my views. I suppose I am a very black or white person but when someone upsets me I drop them like a bullet. I am very much in sympathy with disabled people, I hate this current government for what it is doing to our country making life unbearable for disabled people and picking on the weak and single parents.It wont be happy until we are all back in the workhouse.I was happy when Margaret Thatcher died cos of the damage she did to our country.
I am sorry to my ex hubby, for not being there when he needed me and being sick and unable to work.For looking after my kids and putting them first before anything when he thinks he is more important.Deeply sorry there.I know there were faults in the marriage long before he took up with another woman just sorry but it takes two people to fix a marriage and work as a team.I' m sorry he never thought to fix those problems and was unable to voice his dissatisfaction in life and our being together.I must be awful to live with and I dont blame him for wanting someone else.
I am sorry to my family for what my life has turned out like I never wanted to be poor, single and without work with a body not fit for anything.
I am sorry to my kids for not being a good mother, and not being able to do the things I would like to do with them, let them have nice holidays as a happy family unit , this isnt the life I dreamt for you when I had you i always thought you'd have two parents who lived together and stayed together . I am sorry that I was unable to fix the problems me and your dad had.I am sorry I have ended up sick and not able to do what I would like with you, and not be able to work so you can have the things you deserve.All I can say is I love you both and that I have tried to be the best mum I can under very bad circumstances.May you never know the struggle I have to go through daily to remain with you.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Day 11, Saturday: Sell yourself in 10 words or less Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

Day 11, Saturday: Sell yourself in 10 words or less
lovely. cuddly,fun,creative,child loving, intelligent,one previous owner,

Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life..
I miss the time when I was 38, just had alex(he was a baby) had a husband,my little family and had just moved into my new house.Even though I had just become ill with cardiomyopathy and diabetes I was happy with my lot in life and felt I had a purpose.
Here is a photo from a couple years later.Dont i look different?!

Friday, 10 May 2013

Day 10, Friday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill.

I have lots of embarrassing moments..
 like when I was in the 5th year at school and playing rounders and my games-skirt fell off revealing not my regulation navy knickers but a pair of bright flowery purple ones!
like when I sat down to eat my lunch at the amusement park in Great Yarmouth and the whole chair/table caboodle flipped up and I was left laying there covered in chips and tomato sauce
like on my wedding day when my husband to be almost passed out and needed a seat and a glass of water before we could continue the service(am I that bad?)
waiting for next one to happen ..and it will!!

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
..I have a confession, I used to be afraid of a lot of things... I no longer am.I used to be afraid my husband would leave me(he did), my health would go(it did) and I would be broke(I am).But things I am physically afraid of are spiders, heights ,enclosed spaces to an extent and snakes.
Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all 
Don't wait for tomorrow before you do things.. It can all be taken away from you at the flick of a switch so live life to the full .Don,t worry what people think of you , don't plan too far ahead, and don't sweat over the little stuff.Make the most of those who love you and accept you the way you are and treasure your kids.
Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)My favourite time of day has to be breakfast.I usually have it alone, and am relaxed.I usually sit on my sofa to eat it and it can either be fruit and yogurt  a bowl of cereal, porridge, or a slice of toast.At the weekend I usually have one morning breakfast of either bacon sausage, scrambled egg hash brown and mushrooms and bread. That is my one treat of the week to myself.With an oarnge juice.I find it hard to know what to eat at the best of times, being a diabetic.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

blog every day for the month of may challenge continued...

Day 4, Saturday: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it
Live every day as its your last..... I like this quote because since having been seriously  ill and almost dying I realised how precious life is .Never forget how easily it can all be taken away from you.
Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member... I have great friends and its hard for me to pick a favourite, they all mean the world to me and are there for me when I need them.One of my  longest friends is Debbie, she has known me since I was 12  and lives in Australia, we email each day and she is due over for a visit soon.She is great because even though she lives all that way away she is always there for me, when I have had bad times in my life and we have shared the good.
Day 6, Monday: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?I would say I am a carer to my son,who has special needs.I also spend time crocheting,knitting and making jewellery and am a home maker.I do struggle with this question though, as now I am no longer married I am not a housewife.I feel i have to validate myself by saying something important as to what I do, and often feel like saying I am just me and I just plod on!This is the young man in question who I care for....:)

Friday, 3 May 2013

Day 3, Friday: Things that make you uncomfortable

Things that make me uncomfortable...
Having to explain why I dont have a job (because of my health problems.)
Explaining to my son who has special needs why his dad doesnt love him enough to live with him.(Dad does love him just doesnt want to live with me)
The heat when its past about 75(any more than that and i struggle, feel dizzy and tired)
All the casual sex on tv(is there no morals anymore? what are we teaching our kids?)
How all our politicians and bankers have lots of money
Peoples assumptions on finding out I am a single parent and I  that dont work.(do find me a job and also a carer so they can look after my son)
Seeing my ex and knowing we are no longer together.
Sleeping at night when going through the menopause
Injecting my insulin in public.

day 2 ..story of my life blog challenge

Day 2, Thursday: Educate us on something you know a lot about or are good at. Take any approach you'd like (serious and educational or funny and sarcastic)
I am playing catch up on this challenge...
I am very educated on disability issues as I did a year long course on it before my divorce.Also I am hard of hearing, wear hearing aids and have experienced life in a wheelchair for 3 years.I still have mobility and fitness problems.I have heart disease and diabetes so all in all with having a son with disability's and experiencing them myself I consider myself as knowing  about it  from most angles.
In  the UK people with disability's and learning problems, used to be in the workhouse in each town.They were treated badly and it has been well documented.Then as time went on  disabled people were   left in hospital or day centers or residential homes. Life for disabled people was always a struggle.Not many people who had wheelchairs were seen out when I was little in the 60s and 70s as public places were not adapted for their wheelchair and accessibility. Slowly but surely this has improved and now a lot of places have accessibility. Now it is common place for people in wheelchairs to go out and live life as a able person.
There are gadgets now to help with all kinds of disability.Most people struggle to get their kids assessed if they have a disability and into the right kind of  school.Mainstream school where the disabled child or learning difficulty child should learn alongside other children is the way forward but only if the child is treated the same as the others in class and the school is adapted to cope with the problems the individual child has.I struggled to get my son assessed and in the correct school, he now goes to a special school and has never been happier.But I worry he has been isolated from our local community and has no friends in our local neighbourhood.It is very isolating.Thats why I take him to clubs and events to help him communicate and have interests.
As the disabled person ages they face further struggles, in getting employment, further education , accomodation to suit and benefits.,The current government seems to be making things very hard for disabled people as like always the strong always pick on the weakest to attack first.
When you are a parent of a disabled child it is very hard, you have to let go of many dreams you may have for that child and it seems a constant fight for everything when life shouldn't be like that.It is a fight for things like respite and benefits and to get the correct equipment to help your child.
It is good to make a will so your child will be cared for when you are no longer here and to get all the support you can.There are many organisations out there that can help you with life now if you are disabled or have a child with a disability.
  well I decided to join in this challenge.So here goes a little about me.
I was born prematurely on 6th feb, 1962.I only weighed 3 pounds, which is less than a bag of sugar.
I have 2 older sisters, Rosalind and Pauline.I didnt start school until I was 5.I loved music from a young age(listening and dancing to it).I also loved to knit and crochet, taught by my Nan.I met my best friend Denise when I was 8.We had many nice times together but she died tragically when she was 24 when she was in a fire by setting her bed alight smoking in bed.I miss her every day.
When I was 12 I met my   other best friend Debbie who now lives in australia, This is where she came from when I met her at Comprehensive school.We communicate by email every day.
I didnt do too badly at school and started work in a patent office in London.I got the sack from my first job as a clerk typist as my typing wasnt very good.Then I worked in insurance for many years in London, which I enjoyed I married at 21 to George who was fresh out the army and we set up home in Walthamstow in London.We had two kids Alex and Emma. Emma is 22 and alex 15.. the marriage didnt last and we split up after 23 years of marriage and I am now a single parent and unable to work due to my when Alex was born (when I was 37)I got post partum dilated cardiomyopathy and diabetes.I was in a wheelchair for 3 years ,I now  dont have a wheelchair but have mobility and fitness problems.